Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Im Afraid of Relationships...


I have never been in a long term relationship before.


Im 19 years old, and I never had a boyfriend more than 3 months.

and in some ways, that scares me.


My momma says that its normal for me not to have be in a relationship because I'm so young. I shouldn't be thinking about anything serious anyways, and just should concentrate on college and graduating....but of course she would say that.

but I think my problem is that I'm afraid of relationships...


and because I'm afraid, I have become extremely picky about who I choose to date.

and I think I choose guys that aren't gonna stay around long so I won't have to be in a real relationship.


When I start to talk to a guy, I look for little things that can turn me off and it is the wrong little things that turn me off. Like if he hasn't dated many girls himself or can't really hold a conversation or even if he never had a job. If something little irks me, I dump him.

and then I cling to the guys who used((are)) to be whores, talked to everybody and they mama, say they cant wait long for a girl to have sex, blah blah blah then I complain to my friends that he ain't shit and go through the whole cycle again.


I just think I'm afraid of what will happen if I do get in a real relationship. If I do get with a guy and fall deep, then I'm vulnerable, then if he hurts me I can become damaged goods, somebody with baggage. I'll feel awful and hurt and betrayed, and then I'll become bitter like so many other girls I know that have lost & lost and I don't want to go through that. So I keep it casual, and date guys who I know won't be around for long.


but I want that to change. I need to get over my fear and let somebody in because like they say, it's better to love and lost than to never loved & all, but hell I am scared that when I love and lose, I will never be able to love again...

9 comments:

Miss Odukoya xx said...

this is a deep post..My best friend has never really dated anyone either and she says the exact same things..but don't rush it because like you said you don't want a guy to come in and scar your precious heart so juts wait for the right guy to come...it might seem like a long time but it will be worth it at the end of the day

Tia said...

First of all yes you are still young so you shouldnt worry too much. Am 22 and been with my bf since I was 18 lol. You should not be afraid to let someone in. Dont go into it thinking ur gonna get hurt just let yourself go and enjoy it while it lasts. Love is always going to hurt at one point but you shouldnt be afraid of it because the experience is worthwhile. Remember life is short and you dont want to miss out on love so give it a try. Good luck!

withlove__starz said...

to be honest!! i wish i had your shield of protection!!! love is wonderful but just as good as it is.. its 10x worse if you fall for the wrong guy and he breaks your heart!...so that protection is good! i wouldnt be to worried since your 19.. sometimes it is worth the risk... so i think you'll know if you meet someone worth opening up too.. and it will be easy.. its only hard cause those previous guys u had were prolly the wrong guys. and i totally agree w/ u .. we always cling to the bad guys... (UGH! hate that!) but... i agree.. dont give up!! and don't force it! .. its coming!!!:) and when it comes.. (i agree) it'll be worth it

mr. nichols said...

Good post. Definitely take it slow and when you're ready to go there, you'll know. In the meantime, continue to learn about yourself and the things you like. So many people in relationships miss that crucial step.

Jackie said...

sweetie don't be afraid, but hey right now, live it up to the best of your ability

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M$ Toya said...

You are so young and you have plenty of time for love sweetie! Rite now just focus on you and do what ever makes you happy! God will send you that someone speacial when its time. I wish I could have thought alot like you when I was younger. Trust me love is nothing you want to rush into, it will happen when its time.....

Good Luck Sweetie

Prissy said...

You and I think exactly alike and have similar fears. The only thing is your 19 and I'm 22. But honestly don't stress about it the right guy will come around. He'll most likely come around when your not looking :)

Bianca S. said...

everyone thinks they'll never be able to love again once they are hurt...but one thing I have learned after 2 heartbreaks is that (cliche as it may sound) it prepared me for the REAL thing. We as women always say, "he isn't the man for me" blah blah blah but we never stop to think that maybe WE aren't the woman for HIM. And so, WE get tested and tried in order to be the best woman for that perfect man. Be patient...your mom is right, you r young..but nonetheless, it's a great way to become strong. And then once you have a real man...you will be able to appreciate him the way he needs to be appreciated :) TRUST

iwillwrite32.blogspot.com

Kelly Nina Kiyyah said...

Definitely take your time and be patient. Love is wonderful yet complicated. The right man for you will come and you won't be able to help "falling" for him. I wish you nothing but the best of luck.:)

~Nina of *AF*girls